2004/03/26
Spam e-mail header of the week
Sticky theocracy, delivered to me by Mr. Wade Camacho.
Thanks Wade. I read the word theocracy and somehow, it prompted me to open your message, click on the supplied link, and thus order my first palate of Valium from your fly-by-night mail order company.
This e-business thing is awesome.
* * *
March 20, 2004
Beachcombers’ Relic our next PM?
Log stealing bastard wins Conservative leadership
TORONTO (CP) - Veteran character actor Robert Clothier, best known as Relic on the beloved Beachcombers television series, won the leadership of the new Conservative party on Saturday.
Clothier’s victory surprised the masses gathered at Toronto’s Convention Centre for many reasons. His win came on the first ballot, he was not a registered candidate, and he died five years ago.
Political pundits don’t think Clothier’s status as a deceased person will affect his ability to lead.
“The Liberals are entering their twelfth year in power,” says political scientist Alphonse Gagliano Jr. “As we all know, Jean Chretien died in 1994, but his embalmed corpse led the Liberals to landslide victories in two subsequent elections. Paul Martin won’t admit it, but that rotting stiff got him to where he is today.”
Leadership candidate and wickedly hot MILF Belinda Stronach was disappointed to lose the leadership race to a corpse, but vowed to assist Clothier in his efforts to win the next federal election.
“Certainly, I will help Relic, ahem, Mr. Clothier, unseat the Liberals,” said Stronach. “Perhaps my flourishing sexuality will deflect attention from his, uh, decomposing cadaver.”
Frontrunner Stephen Harper was shocked to lose the race, having expected the convention to be a de facto coronation ceremony to culminate his strong campaign. But Harper says he “sort of knew” Clothier would amass a late rally that just might unseat him.
“Certainly, when you keep hearing about a dead guy who isn’t campaigning, and has no ideas, that’s the guy who scares you, because nobody can pin him down on anything,” says Harper, who has decided to quit politics for a base-plus-commission job bashing gays in rural Alberta. “Did you see him at the debates? All propped up, so quiet, almost stoic, I’d say. That was hard to beat, because nobody was able criticize his point of view. I learned from him, learned a lot.”
The Prime Minister appears ready for a fight with his new, dead rival.
“Certainly, the new Leader of the Opposition is dead, and thus has an advantage that we will have to deal with,” says Martin. “Plus, if he is anything like the character he played on television, I expect to face a wily, irascable, unhygenic foe each day in Question Period. But I would ask my deceased friend: where do you stand on rights for dead gay couples? Dead pot smokers? Dead people on waiting lists for health care? Where are you Relic, um, Mr. Clothier, on these issues?”
Clothier’s campaign staff will now switch their focus to two vitally important tasks: planning strategy for the pending federal election, and maintaining an adequate supply of formaldehyde.
|
Sticky theocracy, delivered to me by Mr. Wade Camacho.
Thanks Wade. I read the word theocracy and somehow, it prompted me to open your message, click on the supplied link, and thus order my first palate of Valium from your fly-by-night mail order company.
This e-business thing is awesome.
* * *
March 20, 2004
Beachcombers’ Relic our next PM?
Log stealing bastard wins Conservative leadership
TORONTO (CP) - Veteran character actor Robert Clothier, best known as Relic on the beloved Beachcombers television series, won the leadership of the new Conservative party on Saturday.
Clothier’s victory surprised the masses gathered at Toronto’s Convention Centre for many reasons. His win came on the first ballot, he was not a registered candidate, and he died five years ago.
Political pundits don’t think Clothier’s status as a deceased person will affect his ability to lead.
“The Liberals are entering their twelfth year in power,” says political scientist Alphonse Gagliano Jr. “As we all know, Jean Chretien died in 1994, but his embalmed corpse led the Liberals to landslide victories in two subsequent elections. Paul Martin won’t admit it, but that rotting stiff got him to where he is today.”
Leadership candidate and wickedly hot MILF Belinda Stronach was disappointed to lose the leadership race to a corpse, but vowed to assist Clothier in his efforts to win the next federal election.
“Certainly, I will help Relic, ahem, Mr. Clothier, unseat the Liberals,” said Stronach. “Perhaps my flourishing sexuality will deflect attention from his, uh, decomposing cadaver.”
Frontrunner Stephen Harper was shocked to lose the race, having expected the convention to be a de facto coronation ceremony to culminate his strong campaign. But Harper says he “sort of knew” Clothier would amass a late rally that just might unseat him.
“Certainly, when you keep hearing about a dead guy who isn’t campaigning, and has no ideas, that’s the guy who scares you, because nobody can pin him down on anything,” says Harper, who has decided to quit politics for a base-plus-commission job bashing gays in rural Alberta. “Did you see him at the debates? All propped up, so quiet, almost stoic, I’d say. That was hard to beat, because nobody was able criticize his point of view. I learned from him, learned a lot.”
The Prime Minister appears ready for a fight with his new, dead rival.
“Certainly, the new Leader of the Opposition is dead, and thus has an advantage that we will have to deal with,” says Martin. “Plus, if he is anything like the character he played on television, I expect to face a wily, irascable, unhygenic foe each day in Question Period. But I would ask my deceased friend: where do you stand on rights for dead gay couples? Dead pot smokers? Dead people on waiting lists for health care? Where are you Relic, um, Mr. Clothier, on these issues?”
Clothier’s campaign staff will now switch their focus to two vitally important tasks: planning strategy for the pending federal election, and maintaining an adequate supply of formaldehyde.
2004/03/18
NEW FEATURE!
Spam e-mail header of the week
"Chubby girls try harder! (click here)"
No thanks...
* * *
My Five Most Inept Moments
#1 October 2003: Catching that foul ball in Game 6 of the Cubs-Marlins series
I wasn’t even watching the game. I was just relaxing, enjoying the free tickets I won from a local morning show. I was flying solo, since I was unable to give away the other ticket, even though I had called everyone I knew. I was drinking some orange soda, and snacking on a box of that pink popcorn that tastes like cotton candy. With my new headphones on, immersed in the spoken word version of The Bridges of Madison County, I startled as the crowd rose in unison. I decided to join them. They looked up, I looked up, and then a white orb descended from the star-filled night. Even I knew it was a baseball, and instantly I realized this ball would be a treasured memory of my visit to the baseball park. I thought I would have to fend off other treasure hunters, but everyone gave me a wide berth to collect my souvenir, everyone except the baseball player who tried to grab it from me at the last second. Spoiled millionaire, I’ll bet he has lots of balls lining the shelves of his mansion, I thought as I plucked it away from his outstretched glove. Everybody in the park was pissed at me, so I deduced that catching that foul ball breached some rule of baseball etiquette. Screw them, I say.
#2 1938: Appeasing Hitler in Munich
In hindsight, this one makes me look like a doofus, but let me explain. I was taking a hard line with Hitler throughout our meetings, and by the final day we were stalemated. Hitler suggested we head out to the local beer hall to tip a few before my return home, via zeppelin. I tried to buy the first round, and Hitler scoffs, pounds the table with his fist, says you’re money’s no good here, and that was the end of that. The thing is, I totally could have expensed that as part of my trip, but whatever, right? So now I’m drinking on Hitler’s tab, and I’m trying to get to know the guy a little better, were you close to your father, did you always want to be a dictator or did you just fall into it, and so on. But Hitler, he just kept bellowing about liebensraum this and liebensraum that, and the way he went on about Czechoslovakia you would have thought he was talking about a new Camaro or something. After a few too many Warsteiners, Hitler says we should have a chug-a-lug contest, and if wins, he occupies Sudetenland, and if I win, I get a box of freeze-dried bratwurst. So anyway, I lost the contest, and here’s the thing you need to know about Hitler: the man had no gag reflex. He also had terribly low self-esteem, but I’ll always remember the way he could put his head under a keg and drain it without ever stopping. Incredible.
#3 2001: Imitating that stunt from Jackass
It's just never going to be a good idea to ram a hot poker into any orifice. And I think I've always known that, which makes me feel so foolish that I have to blame my accident on the Powers Of Television. Damn you TV! Damn you!
#4 2004 Green-lighting the American version of Coupling
#5 2003: Overspending taxpayer funds on my Governor-General’s tour of Russia and Finland
This one is especially embarrassing. The trip was definitely going to come in under budget, and I had come up with some weak but plausible reasons to justify what was essentially a vacation. I’ll never accumulate enough Air Miles to fly to Minsk, so how else will I get there? And if I went on my own, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the benefits of an entourage. People complained about the one million dollar budget for this trip, but hello, when you bring fifty-nine people with you, when everyone flies first class, and everyone gets their own room in a five-star hotel, and everyone receives a one hundred dollar bill each day, expressly for wiping their asses, well get a clue, people, diplomacy isn’t cheap.
The trip went over budget by four million dollars partly because of my addiction to pay-per-view pornography. Okay, it went four million dollars over budget entirely because of my addiction to pay-per-view pornography. But it wasn’t totally my fault. I’m accustomed to North American hotels that allow guests to buy their porn at a bulk rate, i.e 24 hours of x-rated movies for seventeen dollars, or something like that. But in Finland, you pay seventeen dollars per minute, because their porn is sensational, and when you insist that every one of your aides have the porn channel running in their room so that you’re always near the sensational Finnish porn, it becomes an expensive enterprise, and not one I could afford on my paltry six-figure income. While I did go overboard, I feel this has been a learning experience for me, and the taxpayers of Canada. Let’s leave it there, mmmkay?
|
Spam e-mail header of the week
"Chubby girls try harder! (click here)"
No thanks...
* * *
My Five Most Inept Moments
#1 October 2003: Catching that foul ball in Game 6 of the Cubs-Marlins series
I wasn’t even watching the game. I was just relaxing, enjoying the free tickets I won from a local morning show. I was flying solo, since I was unable to give away the other ticket, even though I had called everyone I knew. I was drinking some orange soda, and snacking on a box of that pink popcorn that tastes like cotton candy. With my new headphones on, immersed in the spoken word version of The Bridges of Madison County, I startled as the crowd rose in unison. I decided to join them. They looked up, I looked up, and then a white orb descended from the star-filled night. Even I knew it was a baseball, and instantly I realized this ball would be a treasured memory of my visit to the baseball park. I thought I would have to fend off other treasure hunters, but everyone gave me a wide berth to collect my souvenir, everyone except the baseball player who tried to grab it from me at the last second. Spoiled millionaire, I’ll bet he has lots of balls lining the shelves of his mansion, I thought as I plucked it away from his outstretched glove. Everybody in the park was pissed at me, so I deduced that catching that foul ball breached some rule of baseball etiquette. Screw them, I say.
#2 1938: Appeasing Hitler in Munich
In hindsight, this one makes me look like a doofus, but let me explain. I was taking a hard line with Hitler throughout our meetings, and by the final day we were stalemated. Hitler suggested we head out to the local beer hall to tip a few before my return home, via zeppelin. I tried to buy the first round, and Hitler scoffs, pounds the table with his fist, says you’re money’s no good here, and that was the end of that. The thing is, I totally could have expensed that as part of my trip, but whatever, right? So now I’m drinking on Hitler’s tab, and I’m trying to get to know the guy a little better, were you close to your father, did you always want to be a dictator or did you just fall into it, and so on. But Hitler, he just kept bellowing about liebensraum this and liebensraum that, and the way he went on about Czechoslovakia you would have thought he was talking about a new Camaro or something. After a few too many Warsteiners, Hitler says we should have a chug-a-lug contest, and if wins, he occupies Sudetenland, and if I win, I get a box of freeze-dried bratwurst. So anyway, I lost the contest, and here’s the thing you need to know about Hitler: the man had no gag reflex. He also had terribly low self-esteem, but I’ll always remember the way he could put his head under a keg and drain it without ever stopping. Incredible.
#3 2001: Imitating that stunt from Jackass
It's just never going to be a good idea to ram a hot poker into any orifice. And I think I've always known that, which makes me feel so foolish that I have to blame my accident on the Powers Of Television. Damn you TV! Damn you!
#4 2004 Green-lighting the American version of Coupling
#5 2003: Overspending taxpayer funds on my Governor-General’s tour of Russia and Finland
This one is especially embarrassing. The trip was definitely going to come in under budget, and I had come up with some weak but plausible reasons to justify what was essentially a vacation. I’ll never accumulate enough Air Miles to fly to Minsk, so how else will I get there? And if I went on my own, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the benefits of an entourage. People complained about the one million dollar budget for this trip, but hello, when you bring fifty-nine people with you, when everyone flies first class, and everyone gets their own room in a five-star hotel, and everyone receives a one hundred dollar bill each day, expressly for wiping their asses, well get a clue, people, diplomacy isn’t cheap.
The trip went over budget by four million dollars partly because of my addiction to pay-per-view pornography. Okay, it went four million dollars over budget entirely because of my addiction to pay-per-view pornography. But it wasn’t totally my fault. I’m accustomed to North American hotels that allow guests to buy their porn at a bulk rate, i.e 24 hours of x-rated movies for seventeen dollars, or something like that. But in Finland, you pay seventeen dollars per minute, because their porn is sensational, and when you insist that every one of your aides have the porn channel running in their room so that you’re always near the sensational Finnish porn, it becomes an expensive enterprise, and not one I could afford on my paltry six-figure income. While I did go overboard, I feel this has been a learning experience for me, and the taxpayers of Canada. Let’s leave it there, mmmkay?
2004/03/10
Brand New Hay
mal•a•droit (m l -droit )
adj. Marked by a lack of adroitness; inept.
n. An inept person.
Maladroit, inept - that’s the real me. Oh, and I realized that e-mailing a link like D, MB! to people that hints at twisted, sick, x-rated content could cause problems for me in the long run. I have a reputation, you know.
The re-naming process was exhaustive. Here’s a few of the rejects…
Mommy, More Pancakes!
Grandma, More Malt Liquor!
Bertuzzi, More Bouncy!
Janet, More Boobies!
Michael, More Sleepovers!
Martha, More Insider Trading!
Martin, More Scandal!
The Lion King
Beyonce, More Jiggle!
Air Farce, Be Funny!
Madonna, Stop Acting!
Whoopi, Just Vanish!
Timberlake, Shut The F*** Up!
Sheila Copps, It’s Over!
Showgirls
NEXT TIME…
My Five Most Inept Moments
|
mal•a•droit (m l -droit )
adj. Marked by a lack of adroitness; inept.
n. An inept person.
Maladroit, inept - that’s the real me. Oh, and I realized that e-mailing a link like D, MB! to people that hints at twisted, sick, x-rated content could cause problems for me in the long run. I have a reputation, you know.
The re-naming process was exhaustive. Here’s a few of the rejects…
Mommy, More Pancakes!
Grandma, More Malt Liquor!
Bertuzzi, More Bouncy!
Janet, More Boobies!
Michael, More Sleepovers!
Martha, More Insider Trading!
Martin, More Scandal!
The Lion King
Beyonce, More Jiggle!
Air Farce, Be Funny!
Madonna, Stop Acting!
Whoopi, Just Vanish!
Timberlake, Shut The F*** Up!
Sheila Copps, It’s Over!
Showgirls
NEXT TIME…
My Five Most Inept Moments
