2004/10/28
Rejected TV Pilots
Can a frugal Scotsman (The Karate Kid’s Ralph Macchio) with a short temper learn to live and love with his Asian mail order bride (Olympic Figure Skater Michelle Kwan)? He drinks too much, she can’t speak English. Will sparks fly? Tune in for Wright & Wong! Before his death, Christopher Reeve taped a cameo appearance as a courageous quadriplegic neighbor who teaches the cast a valuable lesson about the preciousness of life.
My Big Fat Perverted Sacramental Wine-Addled Agoraphobic Priest
Topeka Assurance marks the return to series television of John Ratzenberger (Cliff from Cheers), as the elder statesmen of a small home and auto insurance agency located in a suburban strip mall in Topeka, Kansas. In Ratzenberger’s first dramatic role, he goes head-to-head with the tough-as-nails CEO of the underwriting company (country singer Faith Hill) that keeps his tiny shop afloat. Will sparks fly? Before his death, Christopher Reeve taped a cameo appearance as a courageous quadriplegic insurance adjuster who teaches the cast a valuable lesson about the preciousness of life.
How much abuse can a right-wing pundit take? Can a member of the liberal-biased media/entertainment complex handle a punch in the face? Find out on Political Fight Club, a bipartisan bullyfest where we drop the pretense of intelligent debate so Democrat thugs can go toe-to-toe with Republican bruisers in dingy lounge basements and fast food parking lots. It's just like the movie, minus everything that was good about the movie! In the opener, liberal fatty Michael Moore takes on conservative bonerack Ann Coulter in a no-holds-barred death match. Will Coulter eat Moore’s heart? And does Coulter even have a heart? Tune in!
Martha Stewart Shivving
The Simple Heiress puts Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie in the middle of a corn maze, armed only with their wits and a bottle of vitamin water. They have three months (thirteen episodes) to find their way out. In the opener, Paris panics and slaps Nicole to death. Emaciated before entering the corn maze, Paris becomes delusional, swearing she is America’s last virgin heiress.
What’s In Star Jones’ Colon Today?
Desperate Chechens follows the violent, bloodthirsty adventures of these persecuted people. Each episode will follow a simple formula: Chechen rebels will take hostages, and the Russian government will botch the negotiations for their release, resulting in the senseless deaths of most of the hostages. The hostages will become more precious each week, and the Russians will become more inept! In the opener, rebel Chechens storm a maternity ward in a Moscow hospital. Upping the ante, they bring with them dozens of kittens and puppies. After a tense standoff, negotiations reach a boiling point. Since everyone knows how this will turn out, the viewer can only wonder whether the hostages will be wiped out in the third or fourth act of the episode.
Ted & Bobby looks back at the lives of the Kennedy brothers during the late sixties. Ted drinks a lot and kills a congressional intern in a car accident, and Bobby, uh, dies. This show has a six-episode run, like those BBC shows that quit before they suck. Before his untimely death, Christopher Reeve made a guest appearance as a courageous quadripalegic senator who teaches the cast a lesson about the preciousness of life.
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Can a frugal Scotsman (The Karate Kid’s Ralph Macchio) with a short temper learn to live and love with his Asian mail order bride (Olympic Figure Skater Michelle Kwan)? He drinks too much, she can’t speak English. Will sparks fly? Tune in for Wright & Wong! Before his death, Christopher Reeve taped a cameo appearance as a courageous quadriplegic neighbor who teaches the cast a valuable lesson about the preciousness of life.
My Big Fat Perverted Sacramental Wine-Addled Agoraphobic Priest
Topeka Assurance marks the return to series television of John Ratzenberger (Cliff from Cheers), as the elder statesmen of a small home and auto insurance agency located in a suburban strip mall in Topeka, Kansas. In Ratzenberger’s first dramatic role, he goes head-to-head with the tough-as-nails CEO of the underwriting company (country singer Faith Hill) that keeps his tiny shop afloat. Will sparks fly? Before his death, Christopher Reeve taped a cameo appearance as a courageous quadriplegic insurance adjuster who teaches the cast a valuable lesson about the preciousness of life.
How much abuse can a right-wing pundit take? Can a member of the liberal-biased media/entertainment complex handle a punch in the face? Find out on Political Fight Club, a bipartisan bullyfest where we drop the pretense of intelligent debate so Democrat thugs can go toe-to-toe with Republican bruisers in dingy lounge basements and fast food parking lots. It's just like the movie, minus everything that was good about the movie! In the opener, liberal fatty Michael Moore takes on conservative bonerack Ann Coulter in a no-holds-barred death match. Will Coulter eat Moore’s heart? And does Coulter even have a heart? Tune in!
Martha Stewart Shivving
The Simple Heiress puts Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie in the middle of a corn maze, armed only with their wits and a bottle of vitamin water. They have three months (thirteen episodes) to find their way out. In the opener, Paris panics and slaps Nicole to death. Emaciated before entering the corn maze, Paris becomes delusional, swearing she is America’s last virgin heiress.
What’s In Star Jones’ Colon Today?
Desperate Chechens follows the violent, bloodthirsty adventures of these persecuted people. Each episode will follow a simple formula: Chechen rebels will take hostages, and the Russian government will botch the negotiations for their release, resulting in the senseless deaths of most of the hostages. The hostages will become more precious each week, and the Russians will become more inept! In the opener, rebel Chechens storm a maternity ward in a Moscow hospital. Upping the ante, they bring with them dozens of kittens and puppies. After a tense standoff, negotiations reach a boiling point. Since everyone knows how this will turn out, the viewer can only wonder whether the hostages will be wiped out in the third or fourth act of the episode.
Ted & Bobby looks back at the lives of the Kennedy brothers during the late sixties. Ted drinks a lot and kills a congressional intern in a car accident, and Bobby, uh, dies. This show has a six-episode run, like those BBC shows that quit before they suck. Before his untimely death, Christopher Reeve made a guest appearance as a courageous quadripalegic senator who teaches the cast a lesson about the preciousness of life.
2004/10/15
COMING SOON!
New Products We Can’t Live Without
New Video Game Release Has Hockey Fans Buzzing
NHL 2005: Lockout Hits Stores Next Week
TORONTO, ON - Fans of the EA Sports NHL Hockey series are ecstatic over the company’s latest release, NHL 2005: Lockout.
“EA Sports has been producing the world’s most realistic hockey video game for years now,” says long-time player and parental basement dweller Zachary Gimble, 36. “It demonstrates EA Sport’s dedication to realism that they would create a 'Lockout' version of this beloved series.”
EA Sports President Clint McDougall says the company takes pride in being true to the “spirit of the sport.”
“As we all know, hockey has nothing to do with on-ice action anymore,” says McDougall. “The actual sport of pro hockey blows chunks, and blows them hard. The real excitement takes place in the sterile meeting rooms, whites-only country clubs, and seamy brothels that dot this beautiful land. That’s what our customers expect, so that’s what we’ll give them.”
In NHL 2005: Lockout, game play has been replaced by vividly realized collective bargaining sessions. Gamers can select Owners or Players as they head to the boardroom, or they can watch a simulation of the negotiations. Fans provided with advance copies have been impressed.
“It’s so wicked!” says teenage agoraphobe Tyler Quinn. “Especially this one time, when I used NHLPA President Trevor Linden to totally destroy League Commissioner Gary Bettman’s assertion that a salary cap will not ultimately reduce the earning power of mid-tier players. Bettman got, like, totally pissed and stormed out of the room. The whole bargaining session had to be called off until the next day!”
Quinn admits that having the option of pulling Bettman’s suit jacket over his head while raining down a series of haymakers on his puny body would make the game “just that much better.”
In Franchise Mode, gamers can take part in a lengthy labor stalemate, lasting up to 20 years. Owner bankruptcies, front office staff layoffs, player retirements, fan desertion, and a disastrous descent into complete irrelevance are among the many features that add to the excitement of long-term play.
In European League Mode, locked out players head across the pond to steal jobs from their less-talented, less-wealthy brethren who still play for the love of the sport. Gamers can help their favorite stars negotiate contracts worth up to one-tenth of their NHL earnings, and have them hold out for better apartments or cars. They must also find jobs for the displaced and penniless European players.
“Our slogan used to be EA Sports: It’s In The Game. We’ve changed it to EA Sports: It’s In The Protracted Labor Dispute. We hope you enjoy our new approach,” says McDougall.
New computer product to revolutionize market
Long-overlooked demographic finally served
LAS VEGAS, NV – Perennial underdogs Apple rocked the annual Consumer Electronics Showcase, announcing the introduction of a new product designed to build upon the success of the critically-acclaimed iMAc and the high-selling iPod.
Blending the best of the Mac and the Pod, the new iPorn will offer convenient and discreet wireless access to x-rated Internet sites, and categorized storage of over 3000 x-rated movies. Horny, undersexed men rejoiced at the news.
“Finally, an easy way for me to watch Swiss milkmaids in full bovine teat-pulling action, wherever I want, and whenever I want,” said data processor and pathetic fetishist Gerald Schlichter of Grand Forks, ND. “I can’t watch it at work anymore, thanks to our new policy forbidding bovine teat-pulling imagery on company workstations.”
The iPorn is a hand-held unit that also comes with an ergonomic headband mount for hands-free viewing. While the unit is compact enough to fit in a pant pocket, an expandable LCD screen can be enlarged to nearly five inches diagonally. The durable unit is available in a wide range of colors, and features splatter-resistant keys.
Apple CEO Steve Jobs says iPorn is a recognition of societal reality.
“We all thought the Internet would become a dynamic resource for the enhancement of virtually every aspect of lives,” says Jobs. “It turns out most users are guys who just want to whack off to mpegs of drunk college chicks getting gang-banged at frat parties, and the other three percent use it primarily to download plagiarized college essays, in between wank sessions. It’s really sad in a way, but fortunately we’ve found a way to profit from this dysfunction. Our share value, er, staff morale is at an all-time high!”
The new iPorn hits stores (except Wal~Mart) across North America one week before Christmas.
|
New Products We Can’t Live Without
New Video Game Release Has Hockey Fans Buzzing
NHL 2005: Lockout Hits Stores Next Week
TORONTO, ON - Fans of the EA Sports NHL Hockey series are ecstatic over the company’s latest release, NHL 2005: Lockout.
“EA Sports has been producing the world’s most realistic hockey video game for years now,” says long-time player and parental basement dweller Zachary Gimble, 36. “It demonstrates EA Sport’s dedication to realism that they would create a 'Lockout' version of this beloved series.”
EA Sports President Clint McDougall says the company takes pride in being true to the “spirit of the sport.”
“As we all know, hockey has nothing to do with on-ice action anymore,” says McDougall. “The actual sport of pro hockey blows chunks, and blows them hard. The real excitement takes place in the sterile meeting rooms, whites-only country clubs, and seamy brothels that dot this beautiful land. That’s what our customers expect, so that’s what we’ll give them.”
In NHL 2005: Lockout, game play has been replaced by vividly realized collective bargaining sessions. Gamers can select Owners or Players as they head to the boardroom, or they can watch a simulation of the negotiations. Fans provided with advance copies have been impressed.
“It’s so wicked!” says teenage agoraphobe Tyler Quinn. “Especially this one time, when I used NHLPA President Trevor Linden to totally destroy League Commissioner Gary Bettman’s assertion that a salary cap will not ultimately reduce the earning power of mid-tier players. Bettman got, like, totally pissed and stormed out of the room. The whole bargaining session had to be called off until the next day!”
Quinn admits that having the option of pulling Bettman’s suit jacket over his head while raining down a series of haymakers on his puny body would make the game “just that much better.”
In Franchise Mode, gamers can take part in a lengthy labor stalemate, lasting up to 20 years. Owner bankruptcies, front office staff layoffs, player retirements, fan desertion, and a disastrous descent into complete irrelevance are among the many features that add to the excitement of long-term play.
In European League Mode, locked out players head across the pond to steal jobs from their less-talented, less-wealthy brethren who still play for the love of the sport. Gamers can help their favorite stars negotiate contracts worth up to one-tenth of their NHL earnings, and have them hold out for better apartments or cars. They must also find jobs for the displaced and penniless European players.
“Our slogan used to be EA Sports: It’s In The Game. We’ve changed it to EA Sports: It’s In The Protracted Labor Dispute. We hope you enjoy our new approach,” says McDougall.
New computer product to revolutionize market
Long-overlooked demographic finally served
LAS VEGAS, NV – Perennial underdogs Apple rocked the annual Consumer Electronics Showcase, announcing the introduction of a new product designed to build upon the success of the critically-acclaimed iMAc and the high-selling iPod.
Blending the best of the Mac and the Pod, the new iPorn will offer convenient and discreet wireless access to x-rated Internet sites, and categorized storage of over 3000 x-rated movies. Horny, undersexed men rejoiced at the news.
“Finally, an easy way for me to watch Swiss milkmaids in full bovine teat-pulling action, wherever I want, and whenever I want,” said data processor and pathetic fetishist Gerald Schlichter of Grand Forks, ND. “I can’t watch it at work anymore, thanks to our new policy forbidding bovine teat-pulling imagery on company workstations.”
The iPorn is a hand-held unit that also comes with an ergonomic headband mount for hands-free viewing. While the unit is compact enough to fit in a pant pocket, an expandable LCD screen can be enlarged to nearly five inches diagonally. The durable unit is available in a wide range of colors, and features splatter-resistant keys.
Apple CEO Steve Jobs says iPorn is a recognition of societal reality.
“We all thought the Internet would become a dynamic resource for the enhancement of virtually every aspect of lives,” says Jobs. “It turns out most users are guys who just want to whack off to mpegs of drunk college chicks getting gang-banged at frat parties, and the other three percent use it primarily to download plagiarized college essays, in between wank sessions. It’s really sad in a way, but fortunately we’ve found a way to profit from this dysfunction. Our share value, er, staff morale is at an all-time high!”
The new iPorn hits stores (except Wal~Mart) across North America one week before Christmas.
2004/10/07
Bad Dreams
I have been plagued by bad dreams for as long as I can remember. I’m not referring to dreams that cause you to wake up screaming for your mommy. I have plenty of those, and it’s okay, because my mom still comes over to comfort me with hugs and a glass of apple juice. All moms do this for their adult sons, she says, and I believe her. She’s a wonderful lady.
I’m referring to dreams that are flawed. Mine lack a compelling story. In fact there’s little if anything going on. The character development is weak, there’s no conflict, no rising action leading to a resolution that leaves me satisfied and entertained. And don’t get me started on the editing. I’d need a whole semester of Continuity 101 to have any hope of moving the story along with some semblance of logic. I still cannot explain how I flew from Winnipeg to Brandon in three minutes, with no cuts or fade to black. And in a 747? Sorry, but that kind of short-hop flight doesn’t merit flying on one of the big boys of modern aviation.
I don’t even have pretentious art-film dreams, with moping cast members, drab locales, intellectual copulation, and a black card reading Fin at the end. I would love to have a grumpy, existential shag with Juliette Binoche , but it’s not going to happen.
Unfortunately, my dreams are fairly predictable, rote exercises. They make sense, all the time. But the cinematography is excellent. Truly, I have set up some breathtaking shots in many of my dreams. You wouldn’t think a trip to the automatic teller could be depicted majestically, but actually, it can be done.
Here’s another strange thing about my dreams: you’re not in them. None of my friends or family have a significant role in my dreams. Sometimes my nephew is waiting for a bus, occasionally my mother-in-law is going into the apartment next door to fix an appliance or repair a leaky faucet, but only because that’s what the building superintendent is paid to do. Rarely, if ever, will a friend or family member have a speaking part in one of my dreams. In the metaphysical world of dream production, I’ve decided I must keep my costs down, because as we all know, if you give an actor dialogue, you have to pay them union scale.
I’ve read the literature on dreams. I know they are a way for the mind to manage internal conflicts. Believe me, I’ve got conflicts. You don’t gulp vodka in a bathroom stall every morning at work if you’re placid. But for some reason, it just doesn’t show up in my dreams.
I can only imagine the turmoil I was in when I dreamt about going to Tim Horton’s. When I got there I had to wait in line for a few minutes, and you expect that because Tim Horton’s is quite popular, especially on the weekends. And since you can only pay with cash, the lineup did move at a brisk pace. While I was in line I tried to decide if I should apply two coats or three coats of varnish on the banister at home. Oh, let’s do three, I decided. When I arrived at the head of the line, I ordered a large double-double and a sour cream glazed donut. I really enjoyed them as I read the Saturday paper. There were some really good articles in the weekend review section, so I ordered another coffee, this time a decaf with milk, because too much caffeine is a bad thing. The decaf was also quite good. Then I went home.
So that was my dream, a literal representation of what I do on the Saturday or Sunday of nearly every weekend.
Earlier this week I dreamt about duct cleaning, I suspect because the ducts in our house were about to be cleaned. Duct cleaning really reduces the dust in your home, sometimes by as much as seven microns per million parts, the technician told me in my dream. In fact, the best estimate is six microns, according to the latest literature, but I didn’t want to seem like a prick, so I said nothing.
Get this, he was played by Ted McGinley, currently Faith Ford’s husband on the execrable sitcom Hope & Faith. I guess Stephen Baldwin was busy, or too pricey for my modest production budget.
If the form holds true, this week I’m going to dream about raking the leaves. If I’m lucky, I’ll also climb a ladder to clean out the eavestroughs. I sure hope the moldy leaves won’t smell too bad, but I kind of know they will. Damn.
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I have been plagued by bad dreams for as long as I can remember. I’m not referring to dreams that cause you to wake up screaming for your mommy. I have plenty of those, and it’s okay, because my mom still comes over to comfort me with hugs and a glass of apple juice. All moms do this for their adult sons, she says, and I believe her. She’s a wonderful lady.
I’m referring to dreams that are flawed. Mine lack a compelling story. In fact there’s little if anything going on. The character development is weak, there’s no conflict, no rising action leading to a resolution that leaves me satisfied and entertained. And don’t get me started on the editing. I’d need a whole semester of Continuity 101 to have any hope of moving the story along with some semblance of logic. I still cannot explain how I flew from Winnipeg to Brandon in three minutes, with no cuts or fade to black. And in a 747? Sorry, but that kind of short-hop flight doesn’t merit flying on one of the big boys of modern aviation.
I don’t even have pretentious art-film dreams, with moping cast members, drab locales, intellectual copulation, and a black card reading Fin at the end. I would love to have a grumpy, existential shag with Juliette Binoche , but it’s not going to happen.
Unfortunately, my dreams are fairly predictable, rote exercises. They make sense, all the time. But the cinematography is excellent. Truly, I have set up some breathtaking shots in many of my dreams. You wouldn’t think a trip to the automatic teller could be depicted majestically, but actually, it can be done.
Here’s another strange thing about my dreams: you’re not in them. None of my friends or family have a significant role in my dreams. Sometimes my nephew is waiting for a bus, occasionally my mother-in-law is going into the apartment next door to fix an appliance or repair a leaky faucet, but only because that’s what the building superintendent is paid to do. Rarely, if ever, will a friend or family member have a speaking part in one of my dreams. In the metaphysical world of dream production, I’ve decided I must keep my costs down, because as we all know, if you give an actor dialogue, you have to pay them union scale.
I’ve read the literature on dreams. I know they are a way for the mind to manage internal conflicts. Believe me, I’ve got conflicts. You don’t gulp vodka in a bathroom stall every morning at work if you’re placid. But for some reason, it just doesn’t show up in my dreams.
I can only imagine the turmoil I was in when I dreamt about going to Tim Horton’s. When I got there I had to wait in line for a few minutes, and you expect that because Tim Horton’s is quite popular, especially on the weekends. And since you can only pay with cash, the lineup did move at a brisk pace. While I was in line I tried to decide if I should apply two coats or three coats of varnish on the banister at home. Oh, let’s do three, I decided. When I arrived at the head of the line, I ordered a large double-double and a sour cream glazed donut. I really enjoyed them as I read the Saturday paper. There were some really good articles in the weekend review section, so I ordered another coffee, this time a decaf with milk, because too much caffeine is a bad thing. The decaf was also quite good. Then I went home.
So that was my dream, a literal representation of what I do on the Saturday or Sunday of nearly every weekend.
Earlier this week I dreamt about duct cleaning, I suspect because the ducts in our house were about to be cleaned. Duct cleaning really reduces the dust in your home, sometimes by as much as seven microns per million parts, the technician told me in my dream. In fact, the best estimate is six microns, according to the latest literature, but I didn’t want to seem like a prick, so I said nothing.
Get this, he was played by Ted McGinley, currently Faith Ford’s husband on the execrable sitcom Hope & Faith. I guess Stephen Baldwin was busy, or too pricey for my modest production budget.
If the form holds true, this week I’m going to dream about raking the leaves. If I’m lucky, I’ll also climb a ladder to clean out the eavestroughs. I sure hope the moldy leaves won’t smell too bad, but I kind of know they will. Damn.
